Spring

I had forgotten how invigorating Spring feels. I realize it is still January, and there will be plenty of pangs of pseudo-Spring before it really arrives, but the little taste -- it's the sweetest I've ever known.

I feel like I'm finally waking up. The faintest smell of the new season in the air and I'm charged with a new energy I'd completely forgotten I had. My heart's racing and I can't sit still. I want to run and climb and, of course, go. Cabin fever never gets so unbearable as when freedom first rears it's head over the horizon. But the distance is still so great, it's almost heart-breaking.

Dirty-white hills
roll through the country-side

Patches of grass
dare push back the snow

Naked trees
wail their discontent
to the icy winds

Begone winter;
Let us play in the warm sunlight
once more.

Railroad Bridge

Steam billows from me
alternating with the stinging intake of
frigid air

Kicking snow off the edge
I force myself to look down
Icy silver swirls around
jagged teeth open wide
They beckon me

I don't think I'd die

I tear away my gaze
Lie down between the rails
Solid darkness stretches out above
When was the last time
I saw the sky?

I want the moon back
I want the stars
I want him here
-to tell me not to look down
-to tell me not to be sad.

And so it starts again...

Why am I not enough?!

You don't want me enough to stay with me? Is that it? That's how it ends? It took us three years to realize you want to "fly solo" and I can't be with someone to whom it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not? Now we have, and you don't want to change. "Not yet," anyway. When?! Why?! I can't believe that that is seriously all there is to it. You're not ready to actually enjoy going out with me, and I need more than that. More than just tagging along, watching you. Why bother inviting me? I can't rely on you to be with me, and you have nothing to say to that. It simply means we're done.

I didn't realize it would be so easy.

I'm feeling frisky, we're doing fine, suddenly there's something about the shower curtain and we're fighting and he's shaving while I'm crying and his first assumption is that I'm twisting his words and we're not a team and we're not even together. Just look me in the eye goddammit. With something other than contempt that stabs all the way down breaks my heart and makes me want to leave and never come back; never want to see those eyes -- that look -- ever again. All this about a hug I never got; a hug I never gave.